So You Didn’t Go To Outside Lands…

In the weeks leading up to Outside Lands, the annual three-day music festival that takes place in Golden Gate Park, no one — and I mean no one was going.  The line-up sucks: Black Eyed Peas*? Jason Mraz?  It’s not worth it, dude. Then, somehow, surprisingly, merely days before Outside Lands, everyone — and I mean everyone (at least according to my text message inbox) — was going.  It’s gonna be so tight, dude! MIA, Pearl Jam, Dave Matthews, TV on the Radio, Mars Volta! Amazing line-up! Whatever, everyone.  Especially a certain co-worker who got to leave work early on Sunday just to make it over to Golden Gate Park (see: I am jealous).

I didn’t go to Outside Lands, but that’s not going to stop me from writing a post about it.

Outside Lands Presents: Things I Want

Giant flat-screen tv that plays nothing but trippy light/pattern displays all day

This feather headband

Conor Oberst

Cheeta face sequin dress

All pictures via [SFist] and [Gawker]

*Okay, I secretly love this song

Based on a True Email

My younger sister just left to start her first year at  university, officially making our parents empty nesters.  How have themom and thedad been celebrating a house bereft of theannoyingkids? Let’s check out the following email…

From: themom

To: thedith

Subject: Misc.

After watching Baby Mama, I watched The Bucket List. What should I watch next?

I don’t even know how to respond to this email.  Baby Mama AND The Bucket List? That’s like my bucket list of movies right there. Why watch another movie ever again?

Melissa: drop out of college immediately and come home.  I’m worried about our parents.

Trip Down Memory Awesome

Need a Friday Pick Me Up?

You’re welcome.

Is It Weird that I Kind of Want This?

From the people who brought you The Boyfriend Pillow (well, actually, I don’t know if that’s true…) comes, The Girlfriend Lap Pillow!

Lifetime supply of social awkwardness and membership to the Masturbation is the Best I’m Ever Going to Get club included.

A Good Boyfriend Tattoos Your Name on His Back

Melanie: ok it’s time for bed it’s 115

Meredith: noooooooooo

Melanie: mama’s gotta get her beauty slep

*sleep

Meredith: FINE.

that’s another thing: a good boyfriend would stay up with you too add that to the list

Melanie: it’s true and then he’d fall asleep on your lap

*in

and you’d look at him

Meredith: and shove him off?

Melanie: and be all “awww”

Meredith: oh.

or that.

The Faces (Haven’t) Changed, But the Hassles Are All the Same

So, how’d my first day back in the 9-5’er (uh, well, sort of…I start at 10…) world go? Well, I arrived at the office about 10 minutes early, and instead of going in, I waited outside across the street for eight minutes until 9:58.  This would make the first hour not drag out so long, I reasoned. This is called: false.

By 11 o’clock I had to sing Cyndi Lauper songs in my head to keep myself from falling asleep.

At noon, I wanted to chainsmoke a pack of Marlboro Reds so bad, I didn’t even care that I don’t even really smoke.

Around 2 o’clock I became homicidal.

And at 3 o’clock I hid in the bathroom for ten minutes to resist the urge to throw myself out the window.

But then, I listened to the following Kings of Leon song on the walk home.

Through the throngs of harried women in sweaty work dresses, and corpulent businessmen in wrinkled suits, my ipod offered me salvation from the soul crushing corporate world at last.

Okay.  Fine, I’m working for a non-profit — not a big corporation. And, this was only day one.  I have got to stop being a baby. I mean, if Brett Favre can pull himself out of retirement (twice!) from his out of shape boot straps, the least I can do is go join the rest of society and work in an office.  I mean, hello, Meredith, that’s what you were doing before the ol’ resesh came a-knockin’ on your door…Two months out of the game is a long time though…  Maybe I should just drop out of soceity, and abandon the idea of an office job all together. I’ll become  a Neo-Beat poet and change my name to Juniper Breeze, Satchel Fig-Tree, or Brett Michaels.  Yeah, that sounds nice. Good talk.

A Tale of Two Biddies

On Monday, Jezebel had a post about in article that ran in the Guardian, questioning why Jennifer Aniston and Cameron Diaz, two actresses of similar age and dating…accomplishments? Get treated so very differently in the press.  That is: Why is the tabloid narrative on Jennifer Aniston of some sadsack Old Maid, unlucky in love? Meanwhile, Cameron Diaz’ tabloid narrative is one of a free-spirited, fun independent chick who just wants to have fun and date as many “hunks” as she can — and is awesome because of it?

I mean, listen, I can’t take Jennifer Aniston seriously as much as the next person, but her depiction in the press is kind of unfair.  Maybe Jennifer Aniston isn’t bad at love — maybe she’s really awesome at playing the field? How come no one’s ever thought of that? Yeah, that’s right, John Mayer, I see you…

That being said, if you have to compare my night of watching The Real World while eating half a pint of Ben & Jerry’s to something a famous single actress would do,  please go for Cameron Diaz.  I ain’t no Jennifer Aniston.

How come Jennifer Aniston Is Lonely, But Cameron Diaz Is Lucky? [Jezebel]

Why Are Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Aniston Treated So Differently? [Guardian]

For All You Nevernudes Out There

You Shut Your Mouth When You’re Talking To Me

Seth: When are we going to see The September Issueme: in novemberme: HAHAHAHA OH MY GOD I’M SO FUNNYSeth: i just had to x your chat window out for a secondSeth: so as not to climb through it and slap you