Or, How I Learned to Quit Worrying, and Love the Britney

Now that I’m not working for the Oldies (But Goodies) anymore, I have ample time to sit around searching the world (well, according to the wide web, that is) for new music.  Sometimes, I even rake through my itunes for old music that I’ve forgotten about, but still love — the Oldy But Goodies of my personal music collection, if you will.  Sometimes — okay, often — this leads me to Britney Spears.  Pre-meltdown, she was awesome.  Don’t try to argue with me, about this, you will lose.

Anyway, the more I listened to Britney, the more I realized, she’s got the entire 5-step Grieving Process in her song catalog.  Don’t believe me?  Watch this:

They Are Not Paying Me Enough for This Crap

Mood:

Ease My Work Troubles, That’s What You Do

1:19 PMMeredith: why do i suddenly have the urge to bone rod stewart?

i have GOT to stop listening to the soft rock station at work

Melanie: ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

stop that right now

no

Meredith: i’m totally butt crazy in love with rod stewart

Melanie: that is never

ever

ok

he is gross

just look at that hair

1:21 PM Melanie: you’ve been hanging out with the obgs too long

The Faces (Haven’t) Changed, But the Hassles Are All the Same

So, how’d my first day back in the 9-5’er (uh, well, sort of…I start at 10…) world go? Well, I arrived at the office about 10 minutes early, and instead of going in, I waited outside across the street for eight minutes until 9:58.  This would make the first hour not drag out so long, I reasoned. This is called: false.

By 11 o’clock I had to sing Cyndi Lauper songs in my head to keep myself from falling asleep.

At noon, I wanted to chainsmoke a pack of Marlboro Reds so bad, I didn’t even care that I don’t even really smoke.

Around 2 o’clock I became homicidal.

And at 3 o’clock I hid in the bathroom for ten minutes to resist the urge to throw myself out the window.

But then, I listened to the following Kings of Leon song on the walk home.

Through the throngs of harried women in sweaty work dresses, and corpulent businessmen in wrinkled suits, my ipod offered me salvation from the soul crushing corporate world at last.

Okay.  Fine, I’m working for a non-profit — not a big corporation. And, this was only day one.  I have got to stop being a baby. I mean, if Brett Favre can pull himself out of retirement (twice!) from his out of shape boot straps, the least I can do is go join the rest of society and work in an office.  I mean, hello, Meredith, that’s what you were doing before the ol’ resesh came a-knockin’ on your door…Two months out of the game is a long time though…  Maybe I should just drop out of soceity, and abandon the idea of an office job all together. I’ll become  a Neo-Beat poet and change my name to Juniper Breeze, Satchel Fig-Tree, or Brett Michaels.  Yeah, that sounds nice. Good talk.

9-5 — Not the Dolly Parton Movie

Looks like I’ll be temping for the OBG’s (Oldies But Goodies) again, starting at the end of this week.  Cue: the pyrotechnics, dancing girls, the music —

and what not.

I Hear the Chicken Wings at Hooters are Phenom

Now that the OBG temp job is over, I’m trying to figure out how to spend my days until I find employment again.  Here’s what I’ve brainstormed so far:

• Move to Eastern Europe and finally join that traveling Gypsy band that I’ve been talking about for years.  And when I say Gypsy Band, I mean a literal band.  Like, with instruments, and singing and shit.  I think I’ll play the tambourine.  Or, if that’s taken, the mandolin.  But only if I can’t play the tambourine.
• Marry Macauley Culkin.
• Buy a Snuggie.
• Get into Polygamy
• Finally learn how to skateboard <– This one’s actually tops on my list.
• Donate my eggs.
• Watch every Kevin Costner movie ever made, starting with Water World.
• Start reading the Twighlight series just so I can learn what these dang kids are so crazy about.
• Lunches at Hooters
• Adopt an African baby
• Learn the choreography from “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” by the Backstreet Boys
• Buy a pair of these shoes in three different colors
• Threesomes

This is an open list, meaning I’m open to suggestions.  Got any? I’ve got lots of time to hear them…

Twitter While You Work

My temp job working at a non-profit for retired people is almost up.  But first, I got to go to the annual luncheon, held at a restaurant in Ghiradelli Square.  This really wouldn’t have been so painful if I hadn’t suddenly realized today, that between this job and working at the restuaurant, I haven’t had a day off since a week from last Tuesday; that I won’t have a day off until at least this up-coming Tuesday, and that I’m working from 10am until 11pm tonight.  Needless to say, I was in no mood to go shmooze with a crowd full of Senior Citizens this morning.

Truthfully? It wasn’t that bad.  I got a free three-course meal, some wine, and a business card from an accountant who teaches Tichi.  Not too shabby.  I also got really bloated, and needed to make a run for the bathroom in the middle of some local government councilman’s speech about high speed trains.  I felt like I was slowly exploding.  Who cares about high speed trains? How about high speed speeches? THANKFULLY my boss called, “Last question!” And once this was answered, I bolted for the door.

“Now it’s time for the raffle.  Lois will be picking the tickets, aided by Meredith.  Meredith?”  Eighty-five senior citizens turned towards me, mid-bolt.  My hand was on the door knob.

“Oops!” A portly fellow chuckled as he ducked under my arm to leave the room.

“But, I have to. Go to. The bath.room.” I wimpered to no one, as I grudgingly backtracked into the room.  Escape: Thwarted.

Below, you will find my live tweeting (?) of the luncheon. For those unfamiliar with twitter, it’s in chronological order, with the earliest posts starting at the bottom.

thedith

1. thedith annnd we’re done! thanks for not blocking me…second time showing free ghiradelli samples here i come!
2. thedith immodium!
5. thedith escaped to the bathroom. you can only hear so much about how to grow peas…tip: they like cold weather
6. thedith salmon w cream sauce, mashed potatoes, steak – for LUNCH i maaaay vom. my stomach un = to happy right now…
7. thedith indoors. she wears the sunglasses indoors. always. fuckin’ geriatric rockstar
8. thedith i will only grow old if i’m allowed to rock a beret, oversized designer sunglasses, and a quilted chanel bag like that lady over there
9. thedith is it unprofessional to drink a bloody mary on the job? ‘intravenous drugs’ is not on the menu
10. thedith chaos at the check in!
11. thedith t/f: i am hiding from the obg’s until it’s time for the luncheon?
12. thedith live tweeting the oldies but goodies luncheon – first up, going to the ghiradelli store JUST for the free samples