Based on a Real Email

To: Melsanie

From: thedith

Re: Where Were You the Day You Learned John Mayer Has a Racist Penis?

Based on a True Email

Subject: It’s Twenty Ten Now!

In case you were wondering, I had a great time in New York.  I got to hang out with Fich (!) and see a bunch of friends who I hadn’t seen in a year.  It seriously made me question why I live so far away from them.  Added to this, was Mel and my’s Reunited and it Feels So Good Rockin’ New Year’s Eve…

Based on a True Email

To: melsanie

From: thedith

Subject: You Can’t Take it Back

 

so, um, i literally just remembered that this song featured prominently in my friday night.

the same night that saw us still drinking at 6am.  seriously, listen to that song.  then, please try to understand that i was held hostage in my own new apartment, drinking gin and 100% cranberry juice at 4 am, forced to listen to this song on loop, while a tall blond boy named pat — who you could tell thought he was like THE SHIT back in high school, but now he’s totally like jeff spicolli from dazed and confused and works in a bar — dances and sings along to this song.  please keep this in mind when listening to that song. like, of COURSE maybe the most non-nonsensical, most random night of my life would happen the weekend i give up twitter. it was killing me.

Dear Megan Fox, My Bad!

Dear Megan Fox,

I wanted to write a post to apologize about this post, where I told you to shut the hell up and go away.  That was rude of me.  And besides, I changed my mind — I like you again.  Mostly it’s because I think you get how you’re being portrayed in the media, and you’re kind of like, “so what? Fuck it.” You’re clearly not afraid to make fun of yourself. I like that.  And you know what, Megan Fox? I like you too.

 So, why’d I say I wanted to write a post, as in past-tense? Well, because I want to in theory, but I don’t actually feel like writing one.  It’s not laziness, so much as lack of motivation. I did think about it though.  Don’t believe me?  If you click on the link below, you will find an email I wrote Mel about writing a Megan Fox amendment Post.  That’s the best I could do. 

Based on a True Email

To: Melsanie

From: thedith

Subject: Trapped in the Trash Closet

Today, at the restaurant, I got trapped in the trash room. Somebody had put the garbage can all the way in the back of the room, so I didn’t think it was a big deal when the heavy metal door slammed behind me while I traipsed over to empty out my trash. I tossed my trash bag in the bin, then groped my way through the pitch black darkness towards the door. Except, the handle wouldn’t budge. I was locked in the garbage room. In the pitch black.  The rancid smelling, pitch black.  

No one was around to hear me. I pounded on the door with my fist, nothing. I tried kicking the door loudly. Nothing. Iwas oddly calm about it. Like the time I got trapped in my apartment building elevator for 4 hours at 3 am in Paris. Like, sometimes you just can’t fight things. What are you gonna do? It’s an oddly Zen-like (okay, I don’t know what Zen means) but it’s an odd feeling to know that something kind of dreadful is happening, and yet you’re not at all panicked. What’s the point in fighting and panicking? What can you do?  Some people might call this giving up.  To those people, I shrug my shoulders. 

And then I thought about how great it would be if the restaurant didn’t have a host for like 30 minutes. The restaurant would descend into chaos  as managers, servers, bussers would be forced to scramble for the door each time a customer came to the host stand.  I was enjoying this fantasy as it played in my head. But then, before I could get too interested in this idea, the door swung open. It was my manager.
           “Oh, if I had known it was you, I would have kept you in there longer.”  He swung the door open, holding it open as I walked into the bright flourescent glare of the back office.   I shrugged my shoulders. Maybe he should have.  I wouldn’t have minded.  That’s Zen, right?

Based On a Real E-Mail

From: thedith

To: melsanie

okay, so caitlin was all, “what is your work schedule this weekend?” and i said “nil. i’m not working this weekend.” and she said, “good, we’re going to calistoga. we’re going to lie in the sun, and drink, and there’s a mister for when it gets too hot…” and i replied, “okay, as long as there are no boys.” to which she replied, “good idea, no boys.” and i was happy.

THEN

we started watching the real world and drinking red wine, and i was like, “okay, but we can have some boys.” then dana came back from hanging out with her friends, and i was like, “who’d you hang out with? any cute boys?” mel. i am totally, boy crazy. butt crazy crazy. what’s my deal? i hate them. a lot. and yet? i’m totally boy crazy. just call me butt crazy boy crazy stacy.

Based on a True Email

My younger sister just left to start her first year at  university, officially making our parents empty nesters.  How have themom and thedad been celebrating a house bereft of theannoyingkids? Let’s check out the following email…

From: themom

To: thedith

Subject: Misc.

After watching Baby Mama, I watched The Bucket List. What should I watch next?

I don’t even know how to respond to this email.  Baby Mama AND The Bucket List? That’s like my bucket list of movies right there. Why watch another movie ever again?

Melissa: drop out of college immediately and come home.  I’m worried about our parents.

Based on a True Email

From: thedith

To: melsanie

Subject: so you had a lot of wine on a wednesday, and your roomate is breaking up with her boyfriend over gchat and you can hear it all

let’s start with, The Real World. in which, one of the housemates, who i call rudy huxtable, on account of the fact that she reminds me of rudy from the cosby show (she’s tiny, black, spunky, loud and has awkward hair…) has been crushin’ on this canadian DJ. sounds awkward, i know. he’s tall and skinny to boot. slaaaash i totally think he’s cute and would be in love with him too (he looks british, but in a hot way). caitlin (aka, most of america) meanwhile is like “he’s not even cute, i don’t get this… — anyway, so she’s in love with him, but he’s clearly not that into her.  Cut to: “the most beautiful girl in the world” aka Jona (pronounced either “jon-ay” or “jen-ay” no one knows…) aka, a not at all cute girl, but an actually busted girl, but because she’s black with blue eyes (no really, a guy actually said this to her) everyone thinks she’s gorgeous. she’s actually really fug…

Based on a True Email

To: Melsanie

From: thedith

Subject: Re: Sufjan Beat

Never really watched “Reno 911″…I wasn’t aware that there were new episodes? I thought there were like 5 all together…weird…oh well, RIP?

Alsoo, mi numero del telephono es [REDACTED]. Treasure it. It’s valuable. I don’t just give that baby away to anybody. Okay, that’s not true, I do.  I’m pretty sure millions of guys across the Yay Area have that number.  Kidding of course. Sort of.

Blahdie blahhh I’m tired. There’s a daddy long legs creepin’ on my ceiling. but I took my contacts off and can’t see it anymore…whiiiich kind of creeps me out even more…. Oh, one of my co-workers is moving to new york with her boyfriend, in January. She’s super excited about it. I don’t know why. Why blow a good thing, honey? I asked her where she wanted to live and she said, “I don’t know…hopefully Manhattan, if I can afford it.” I laughed. No one can afford Manhattan. But then she had a good response: “I mean, if I can afford to live in San Francisco, and make my rent and have money for food, I figure I can do it in New York.” Touche. It’s far more expensive here. Then, I made flirty eyes at a short, cute (but short) Indian guy. That’s right. Sometimes I flirt with customers.

OH and, this one girl who’s a server, who is SOOO our restaurant’s version of [REDACTED] it’s not even funny (I used to be afraid of her because I thought she didn’t like me, but now we’re cool.), was talking about her boyfriend troubles. It seems her boyfriend is a bar tender in the city. And, apparently, some girl customer told him the other night that she “wanted to get high, take him home, and suck his dick.” Yeah. I know. Like whaa? Who says that? What is wrong with people? Slash, let’s start using that line as a joke when we go out, it’s funny.

Then, another co-worker was reminiscing about how when they went out the night before, someone’s underage ex-girlfriend wasn’t  able to get into a bar they all went to last night. “That’s why being 21 is awesome! When you’re 21 you can rule the world!” [REDACTED] exclaimed. Meanwhile, being the resident oldy at the table, I had a hotflash and told the kids to turn their damn music down already.

Ugh, I found the daddy long legs again. Still creepin’ along. Seriously, it’s like, get to where you’re going and get out of here. I want to go to bed.  You think having high ceilings is nice. That is until you have a daddy long legs on your ceiling, and you can’t reach it, even standing on your bed. Life is HARD.

Based on a Real Email

To: thedith

From: Melsanie

Subject: Spoiler Alert

time to play the game: guess what movie this is spoiling.

She then turns and begins to, as she put it, “whip Lisa’s skinny ass”. The next few minutes are the best part of the movie with both women opening up a can of grade A whip ass on each other. They kick, slap, head butt and finally tumble their way down a staircase. While Sharon is stunned Lisa gets up and runs upstairs. Sharon is right on her heels and the women end up in the attic. Armed with a 2 by 4, Lisa proceeds to use Sharon’s legs as batting practice. Balancing herself on some badass four-inch heels, Sharon backs up along a strip of wood, taunting Lisa to come and get her. Lisa swings and falls onto a weak portion of flooring and falls through. Hanging on for dear life, Lisa dangles from the ceiling and we get a view of the floor below and the huge glass coffee table below. In a Lifetime movie move, Sharon suddenly grabs Lisa’s hand and tries to pull her up. And in return Lisa tries to pull Sharon with her. Sharon finally finds her cajones and pries Lisa’s fingers apart and Lisa drops, crashing into the table below. Lying amidst the glass and twisted metal, Lisa slowly opens her eyes and tries to move. But the swinging chandelier gets her attention, weakened by her fall through the ceiling; it is hanging on by a cord. When it stops swinging, it suddenly falls spearing Lisa beneath it.