Hey It Could’ve Happened to, Anybo — Er, Wait, No. No It Couldn’t’ve.

So I have today off.  Yeah, I know, it’s Tuesday, who has Tuesdays off? Don’t ask why, that’s just the way my schedule works.  Here’s what I’ve been up to today:

Meredith: true or false: i’m holed up in my apartment like it’s a bunker

Melanie: uh oh

why

Melanie’s new status message – people with crushes should not have access to this:  http://www.vw.com/vwhype/babymaker/en/us/ 1:47 PM

Meredith: well because the girl who’s on the lease, her friend came to stay over last night

he left early in the morning, and i was juuuust about to take a shower, when he came back, so i ran back into my room and pretended i wasn’t there

the this lasted for about 45 minutes

then he left. juuuust about to venture out again, when the lock turns again

Melanie: oh my god!

what is he DOING?

Meredith: it’s the girl on the lease, here to pick up some shit, but i don’t want to deal with her either

she has a friend with her

Melanie: ohhhhhhh

Meredith: hello? why aren’t you at work

theyyyyy are not going to leave for awhile

so i’m stuck

Melanie: ughhh what if you have to pee

Meredith: uhhh i do!

but i’m holdin’ it

the irony of this situation, i was so stoked to leave the apartment and DO something today

Melanie: ughhhhhisn’t that always how it works

Meredith: annnd now they’re making coffee

and watching tv

they will never leave

i’m so mad

and starving

Melanie: orrrr you could just walk out say hi and leave

and be awk

Meredith: hahahahah

i might give up and do that eventually

Sent at 1:51 PM on Tuesday

Melanie’s new status message – people with crushes should not have access to this:  http://www.vw.com/vwhype/babymaker/en/us/ Andrea: WHA TTHE FUCK YOU HAD A BLACK BABY WITH EDWARD CULLEN!?   1:56 PM

Melanie: i’m having way too much fun making babies

Sent at 2:00 PM on Tuesday

Meredith: hahaha that is not surprising

Sent at 2:02 PM on Tuesday

Meredith: ohhhh busted

her mom busted in on my room

they were looking for an iron

Melanie: awwwww

Meredith: “how do two girls live in an apartment and not have an iron?”

“go check in the bedrooms”

oh, hey. surprise!

Melanie: hahahaha

Meredith: oh well i guess this means i can leave now

Melanie: hooray!

Sent at 2:05 PM on Tuesday

Melanie: want to see rupes and my kid?

I Think I’m Gonna Like it Here

I have fiiiiiiinally moved into my new pussy pad, and let me say, I was so happy to settle into my bed with the realization that I’d never have to turn the key in the lock, terriffied that Roomie Madoff might be home; that I’d never spend an extra 10 minutes in the shower because I couldn’t bear the thought of having to face the swindler in the next room; the relief that washed over me as I remembered I’d never have to rush to my room, pretending I went to sleep at 10pm to avoid having a boring conversation with my shitbag roomate.  I was am so happy.

One Thousand and One San Franciscan Nights

The Never Ending Story -- man, did I hate this movie as a child

For the past week-and-a-half, the roomate I actually like has been away, meaning Roomie Madoff and I have been spending a lot of quality time together.  I really dislike her, so it’s kind of the pits. This is only magnified by the fact that she’s super boring.  I’ve had more riveting conversations with my laundry.  For serious.  The Good Roomate and I came up with a theory (well, it’s true, so I guess that makes it a law — The Roomie Madoff Law) that our roomate is kind of like a vampire.  Having nothing remotely interesting happening in her own life, she feeds off the exciting stories of others.  This works out okay for Good Roomate and I, as we both love the sound of our own voices above anything on this earth.  But it’s been getting annoying lately, because quite frankly, I’ve stopped telling Roomie Madoff my best stories (on account of the fact that she doesn’t deserve to hear them), so the ones I do tell her are kind of dullsville.

The other day, she came back home from doing something random/hippy/totally annoying, and we proceeded to talk about the fact that she was going to be doing some totally random/hippy/totally annoying bike ride in Sonoma the next day.  This interested me not at all.  Then there was a lull in the conversation.

Roomie Madoff: So…got any wacky stories from the restaurant?

What, am I your monkey?

Me: ehhh, not really.

Roomie Madoff: Oh.

[Awkward silence, and we both stare at the floor]

Me: Oh, well, this one thing happened…

It wasn’t even a great story, but I gave it all I had — gesturing wildly, exaggerating liberally — seriously, they should have given me an Emmy.  When all was said and done, Roomie Madoff smiled, content that she had all the entertaining sustance she needed in order to carry on her boring life, and me relieved that she was content enough to leave the room.  Where was she going? Hell if I knew, but it was definitely random, probably hippy, and absolutely totally annoying.

Please Won’t You Be My Roomate?

So, I’m moving at the end of the month, which means I’m tasked with the oh-so-fun job of scouring craigslist for a place to live.  I was pretty lucky last time I craigslit’ed it for a housing arrangement — even though one of my roomates ended up Ponzi scheming me…

You do have to watch out though, because you can get stuck in a pretty awful situation, and the following ad pretty much scared the shit out of me.  I guess this guy wasn’t the biggest fan of his/her roomate…

big room with lots of… (north beach / telegraph hill) (map)

---

Date: 2009-05-22, 1:43AM PDT

…drama. Prefer someone who’s into drama, and will bring lots of drama into the house. Are you dramatic? Let’s chat! Maybe you ‘d like to start an argument over something inconsequential, or bring your boyfriend/girlfriend/pimp/drug dealer over to argue in the living room? Please have emotional issues including–but not limited to–childhood insecurities, daddy issues, “Mama never loved me” issues, whore/slut who can’t get enough attention, cock-teasers, misogynists, queers who are in the closet, power/control freaks, assholes, passive-aggressives, uptights, liars, manipulators, suicidals and junkies. (please do your own dishes, that’s my only pet peeve). Utilities included. Room is 10 x 10 but you are more than welcome to spread your shit around the house. Please tell me a little about yourself, and why you think you’d be the best person to bring drama into the household.

Thank you!

grant at green (google map) (yahoo map)

• cats are OK – purrr
• dogs are OK – wooof
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests