Based on a True Email

From: thedith

To: melsanie

Subject: so you had a lot of wine on a wednesday, and your roomate is breaking up with her boyfriend over gchat and you can hear it all

let’s start with, The Real World. in which, one of the housemates, who i call rudy huxtable, on account of the fact that she reminds me of rudy from the cosby show (she’s tiny, black, spunky, loud and has awkward hair…) has been crushin’ on this canadian DJ. sounds awkward, i know. he’s tall and skinny to boot. slaaaash i totally think he’s cute and would be in love with him too (he looks british, but in a hot way). caitlin (aka, most of america) meanwhile is like “he’s not even cute, i don’t get this… — anyway, so she’s in love with him, but he’s clearly not that into her.  Cut to: “the most beautiful girl in the world” aka Jona (pronounced either “jon-ay” or “jen-ay” no one knows…) aka, a not at all cute girl, but an actually busted girl, but because she’s black with blue eyes (no really, a guy actually said this to her) everyone thinks she’s gorgeous. she’s actually really fug…

annnnnywayyyy most beautiful girl in the world enters the picture. MBGITW is a major flirt, and in the beginning is a total megan fox “girls don’t like me, they’re intimidated by me, all my friends are guys blah”. so, naturally, none of the girls like her. anyway, enter her in rudy huxtable-candian DJ relationship. she fucks things up. pretends they’re just friends, and tooootally steals him. they go out on a date. MBGITW tells rudy, “maybe he’s not calling you because he doesn’t really like you ORRR maybe he likes you so much, he’s scared” (record screech) okay, what? who was the first girl to come up with this theory? that makes no sense. that’s NEVER the reason a guy isn’t calling you. i wish every girl who has ever said that thinks back to themselves: “hmm, have i ever liked a guy so much it has made me so scared, that i can’t call him?” if the answer is yes, turn to page 12: “congrats, you’re an IDIOT”. no one will turn to page 12, because that doesn’t happen! why do girls keep telling each other this? it makes no sense! long story short, MBGITW steals the candian DJ, dumps her boyfriend, and they totally have sleepovers and rub it in rudy huxtable’s face. don’t weep for her, rudy huxtable sucks, and totally fucks his cousin to make the DJ jealous. and then feels bad about herself. i may or may not have chanted “do it! do it! do it!” at the tv. no, that’s true.