Based on a True Email

From: thedith

To: melsanie

Subject: so you had a lot of wine on a wednesday, and your roomate is breaking up with her boyfriend over gchat and you can hear it all

let’s start with, The Real World. in which, one of the housemates, who i call rudy huxtable, on account of the fact that she reminds me of rudy from the cosby show (she’s tiny, black, spunky, loud and has awkward hair…) has been crushin’ on this canadian DJ. sounds awkward, i know. he’s tall and skinny to boot. slaaaash i totally think he’s cute and would be in love with him too (he looks british, but in a hot way). caitlin (aka, most of america) meanwhile is like “he’s not even cute, i don’t get this… — anyway, so she’s in love with him, but he’s clearly not that into her.  Cut to: “the most beautiful girl in the world” aka Jona (pronounced either “jon-ay” or “jen-ay” no one knows…) aka, a not at all cute girl, but an actually busted girl, but because she’s black with blue eyes (no really, a guy actually said this to her) everyone thinks she’s gorgeous. she’s actually really fug…

Based on a Real Email

To: thedith

From: Melsanie

Subject: Spoiler Alert

time to play the game: guess what movie this is spoiling.

She then turns and begins to, as she put it, “whip Lisa’s skinny ass”. The next few minutes are the best part of the movie with both women opening up a can of grade A whip ass on each other. They kick, slap, head butt and finally tumble their way down a staircase. While Sharon is stunned Lisa gets up and runs upstairs. Sharon is right on her heels and the women end up in the attic. Armed with a 2 by 4, Lisa proceeds to use Sharon’s legs as batting practice. Balancing herself on some badass four-inch heels, Sharon backs up along a strip of wood, taunting Lisa to come and get her. Lisa swings and falls onto a weak portion of flooring and falls through. Hanging on for dear life, Lisa dangles from the ceiling and we get a view of the floor below and the huge glass coffee table below. In a Lifetime movie move, Sharon suddenly grabs Lisa’s hand and tries to pull her up. And in return Lisa tries to pull Sharon with her. Sharon finally finds her cajones and pries Lisa’s fingers apart and Lisa drops, crashing into the table below. Lying amidst the glass and twisted metal, Lisa slowly opens her eyes and tries to move. But the swinging chandelier gets her attention, weakened by her fall through the ceiling; it is hanging on by a cord. When it stops swinging, it suddenly falls spearing Lisa beneath it.