The Declaration of Emoticon Independence

Much like Joaquin Phoenix' new schtick as a "rapper," emoticons are pointless and serve no real purpose in life

Earlier I posted that boys shouldn’t use smiley faces. I stand by that post. They shouldn’t.  Seriously, don’t do it.  Girls don’t like it. Technically though, I’ve never really been a fan of anyone using smiley faces.  Admit it, they’re kind of lame. :) :(  :p I mean, what do these things mean really? I get that it’s hard to convey emotion in written correspondance, I really do, but how often do you wink ;) at people? Stick out your tounge :p? Do this :8 (sidenote: Dear Makers of Emoticons, what does that even mean?!)

We’ve probably all fallen into the trap of using emoticons at least once.  I’m guilty myself.  Having a particularly sarcastic sense of humor, sometimes I find myself off-setting a particularly sarcastic comment with a :).  You know how fratty dudes love to throw their hands up and declare, “no homo” after any potentially homoerotic display of emotion has been shown? Well, my emoticons are like that — “no jackass [inset smiley face]” I pretend I’m saying.  But you know what? I am a jackass.  And, I’m kind of a-o.k. with that.  In fact, I think I read in USA Today or The Washington Post — or, okay I made it up, that 93% of the entire Earth’s population are jackasses.  So why are we pretending otherwise?    It’s like when I use a no-jackass-smiley-face a part of me dies inside.  I really even roll my eyes to myself  as my fingers reach for the colon button followed by that right parenthesis sign, because I know I’m being a tool, and now this relationship is all faux-cheery, and you know, I kind of hate you for making me pretend that I’m smiling when I’m not. Jackass.

So no more emoticons from me.  That’s it, I’m through.  I’ve typed my last colon+shift button+0.  I don’t like the kind of correspondence it elicits, nor can I respect myself when I use it.  You can keep using them all you want, that’s your business.  Unless you’re a boy.  Then, as stated before, you can’t use emoticons — no jackass.