So You Didn’t Go to Homecoming

Last weekend was every college graduate’s favorite holiday: Homecoming; an excuse to drink profusely during the day, tailgate a football game you have no intention of going to, and make out with that kid who was in your sophomore year Post-Modernism class — but who’s name escapes you right now.

Being 3,000 miles away, I couldn’t go this year.  So, instead, I decided to get moderately drunk and send drunken text messages to those who were attending Homecoming.  This would have been more appropriate if there wasn’t a three-hour time difference, meaning my texts were received between the hours of 3am and 5am.  Whatever. 

Your Boss Called, He Said Stop Text Messaging at Work

5:14pm

Meredith: slooow day at the restaurant. A server got pissed at me because i sat another server twice bc she already had 2 tables.

5:49pm

Mel: Tell her to shove it. And then throw spinach and artichoke dip at her.

The Declaration of Emoticon Independence

Much like Joaquin Phoenix' new schtick as a "rapper," emoticons are pointless and serve no real purpose in life

Earlier I posted that boys shouldn’t use smiley faces. I stand by that post. They shouldn’t.  Seriously, don’t do it.  Girls don’t like it. Technically though, I’ve never really been a fan of anyone using smiley faces.  Admit it, they’re kind of lame. :) :(  :p I mean, what do these things mean really? I get that it’s hard to convey emotion in written correspondance, I really do, but how often do you wink ;) at people? Stick out your tounge :p? Do this :8 (sidenote: Dear Makers of Emoticons, what does that even mean?!)

We’ve probably all fallen into the trap of using emoticons at least once.  I’m guilty myself.  Having a particularly sarcastic sense of humor, sometimes I find myself off-setting a particularly sarcastic comment with a :).  You know how fratty dudes love to throw their hands up and declare, “no homo” after any potentially homoerotic display of emotion has been shown? Well, my emoticons are like that — “no jackass [inset smiley face]” I pretend I’m saying.  But you know what? I am a jackass.  And, I’m kind of a-o.k. with that.  In fact, I think I read in USA Today or The Washington Post — or, okay I made it up, that 93% of the entire Earth’s population are jackasses.  So why are we pretending otherwise?    It’s like when I use a no-jackass-smiley-face a part of me dies inside.  I really even roll my eyes to myself  as my fingers reach for the colon button followed by that right parenthesis sign, because I know I’m being a tool, and now this relationship is all faux-cheery, and you know, I kind of hate you for making me pretend that I’m smiling when I’m not. Jackass.

So no more emoticons from me.  That’s it, I’m through.  I’ve typed my last colon+shift button+0.  I don’t like the kind of correspondence it elicits, nor can I respect myself when I use it.  You can keep using them all you want, that’s your business.  Unless you’re a boy.  Then, as stated before, you can’t use emoticons — no jackass.

Boys Shouldn’t Use Smiley Faces

 

Lindsay Lohan receiving yet another smiley face text message from Wilmer Valderama

Boys shouldn’t use emoticons ever.  That means, never ever.  A smiley face :) or any variation thereof is not whimsical or cute.  A sad face :( makes me think you’re retarded. And don’t send me a winky face ;) if you expect to talk to me ever again.  Sorry to be so blunt about it, guys, but it needed to be said.  Boys Using Emoticons(or BUE, pronounced “boo” — as in the noise you make when jeering something) has become rampant, and it needs to be put to an end.  Just type haha like a normal person, okay? Or better, if you’re gonna say something ambiguous, leave it up to me to determine whether or not you’re joking.  If you’re not? Great! I love jerks.  If you are, but I think you’re not? Great! I love jerks.  If you use an emoticon? Joke’s on you: I don’t like boys who use emoticons.

 

Next time: we’ll discuss why boys should never use “hehe” (hint: it’s creepy).

TextsFromToday.ABlogofTwoCities.com

2:32* Mel: Omg transformers 2

2:34 Mer: Omg i know! I just saw a cardboard cut out and almost jizzed my pants

2:37 Mel: Preview on full screen is clutch

2:46 Mel: Whoa the guy who killed ben’s daughter is in this.  I’m in wolverine btw

2:51 Mer: oh no shit u saw the transformers trailer in the theater? holy moly! Hows wolverine?

2:57 Mel: Good.  total blockbuster.  Ryan is good looking.

2:57 Mel: And a cute asian

Yes.

*Time in PST