What’s That? Speak Up. I Don’t Read Smoke Signals

An admitted Social Retard, I’ve been thinking about social cues a lot lately.  Like, how we give them off, how they’re interpreted, and what to do when what you’re throwin’ out there isn’t being picked up — or worse yet, when what you’re throwin’ out there is being picked up, but is being misconstrued.

Obviously, social cues are important.  Not just learning how to read them, and give them out, but logistically speaking as well — there just aren’t enough hours in the day to verbally communicate every thought and every idea to every person we encounter, so naturally we need to rely on non-verbal forms of communication.  Okay, understand that.  But sometimes, I wish we relied on social cues a lot less, and verbally communicated with each other more.  It would make life a lot easier for socially handicapped people like myself.

I like to call myself (okay, that’s a lie,  I’ve never called myself this, I’m just making this phrase up right now, but I’m going to start calling myself this from now on) a high functioning socially retarded person.  Outwardly, if you met me, you’d think that I’m just as capable of social interaction as the next guy, but actually, I’m really kind of hella awkward.  That is to say, if you like me, it takes me a really long time to pick up on it; if you don’t like me, it takes me a really long time to pick up on it.  Meanwhile, you might assume that I dislike you, even if I really haven’t made up my mind either way. And, if I do actually like you, you might never pick up on it.

Sound confusing? It is.  And, you know why? Because, like any symbolic form of communication, social cues are rife for misinterpretation.  So, that girl you saw outside the club? The one you smiled at because you saw her slip, and you wanted to let her know hey, these things happen, don’t be embarrassed? Yeah, well she’s acting all suspicious of you, whispering a warning to all her girl friends, because she thinks your smile means you’re trying to figure out what she’d look like without her clothes on.  You’re not meaning to hit on her, but she misread your social cue.  Now you don’t have a chance with any of her friends.  Or, what about that guy you’re crushing on? Remember him? He’s the one who’s phone calls you never answer right away (even though you really, really want to) because you don’t want to seem “too available” (i.e. desperate)? Yeah, well, he’s not calling you anymore because he thinks you never answer your phone when he calls because you don’t like him.  What’s to blame here? Really? Do I have to type it out here, for you? Miss-communicated social signals, duh.

And you know what? Fuck that.  I’m tired of all this social confusion.  Can I make a request here? Can I request that we stop being so lazy, and kind of talk to each other more? I know it’s easier, more comfortable, and less time consuming to let your actions reflect your thoughts, but actually,  it’s really pretty annoying when someone misreads your actions.  Let’s cut down on the suspicion/confusion/anxiousness/false hope here, and just talk to one another.  Mystery dramas are fun for entertainment purposes, but suck in real life.  Like, sure Ghost Writer was a really fun show, but wouldn’t you get sick of having a friend who insists on communicating by throwing random letters and words together in the hopes that you can figure out what  he means? Wouldn’t you be like, fuck you, Ghost Writer, who’s the dbag committing all the annoying pranks on the Lenni music video set?  You know the answer, why can’t you just tell me? Admit it, you would say that.  That’s how I feel about social cues.  And now, I’ll end with a poem:

So, tell me what you want, what you really, really, want/

I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want/*

*Answer: A zig-a-zig-ahhhh

And This Phrase Has Been Added to my Repertoire

What we had to answer in order to find out who our celeb BFFs are. Extremely accurate.

That’s right.  Mer and I?  We are grown ass women who ain’t got no time.  We’ll end up in jail for killin that beotch.  Don’t mess with us.  Seriously?  Amazing.

Quiz results were actually quite accurate.  Mer’s celeb BFF is Beyonce:  

“Wow in High School girls hated yall and guys consider you two to be stuck up. Yall gossip about everyone and talk down about people, and when confronted all yall do is lie. Scared to fight so you guys play it off by laughing and walking away. You two have beautiful faces but UGLY attitudes. Yall stay in class during lunch and never attend school activities. Known to be the teachers biggest pets. Two faceded and back stabbers…use people to get what yall want. Nothing but fakeness and Scary as hell!”

My celeb BFF is Nikki Minaj (?)

You two were known for drama in High School…Always fighting and jumping people to this day. Loved the spot light even if it was negative. Didn’t care to much about school other then the sex ed class. Boys consider yall the ride da die type of chicks. Like one of the boys, you two were high almost everyday in the back of your history class talking shyt about the teacher. Love to dress and always had yall nails and hair done. Tight jeans, small shirts, and nike dunks is what yall wore. With a mouth full of gold. Had a mouth piece like outta dis world…every young dude dream girl! But now things are getting a little old and the game is getting tired..time to grow up and become ladies so that guys could respect you. But no matta what yall still got that bad bitch attitude beneath the fake smiles…lol You will always like the bad boy type. A man you can’t run over and that could tame you and all your wild ways.

Oh Yeah, You Totally Want to be Crunched

If it hasn’t been made clear enough, I have a tendency to develop crushes fairly easily.  Crushes, also known as puppy love (thanks, Wikipedia!) are often fleeting, yet they give me something to think and get excited about.  They’re harmless.  Sure, if any of my crushes asked me out, I’d probably be giddy with excitement, but let’s be honest, I’m never going to meet any of these people so it’s totally fine.  Also, the thing with crushes is that you can form your own opinion of who they are in your head.  You can make them datable and nice (if you’re looking to settle down) or wild and dangerous (if you’re looking for a fun time).  That’s the point of a crush–it’s transient and fun.  There are even songs written about the topic at hand–ranging from super pop to mellow rock to punk-ish (see below).  Crushes happen to everyone, all the time.

What gets you in trouble is when you actually meet your crush and find out he or she is nothing like you imagined them to be.  For instance, last weekend I met this guy who seemed to be perfect in that he met 10 or the 11 points of criteria for “my ideal guy” list.  Yes, I have a list, deal with it.  Of course, I crushed away and imagined our wedding and our life in Northern California with our four kids running around the backyard with our puppy while dressed in Crew Cuts.  Then, I met him again and that’s when it all came apart.  First Flaw:  totally infatuated with my roommate.  Second Flaw: he’s not as funny as I thought he was.  Third Flaw:  He didn’t like Arrested Development.  Seriously?  Buzzkill.

Moral of the story:  Keep your crushes as crushes.  The actual formation of a relationship never works out.

A Perfect Storm

What happens when you put guitarist James Iha of the Smashing Pumpkins, bassist Adam Schlesinger of Fountains of Wayne, Bun E. Carlos of Cheap Trick and Taylor Hanson of Hanson in a room together? Surprisingly, The Best Idea Ever. It’s like they took the best parts of their bands and put it together to make an extremely fun mix of power pop, alternative rock and pop punk. The music is upbeat and tap-your-toes worthy, but not screechy, over synthesized and produced pop music. I love it because it looks and sounds like they’re all having fun. Happy music = happy people. Truth nugget.

The first song below is my favorite but the second one is their “hit single” slash the one they’re promoting the most. Also, try not to do the Carlton Dance to the second one. I dare you.

Actually, Though…

Some guys should never have scruff…

I'm sorry, this is more frightening than Gollum

Even worse than Spencer Pratt's personality? This facial hair

Dear Chace Crawford, why is your facial hair a different color than your head hair? Signed, Confused and Turned-Off

It’s Like it was Made for Us

two cities, one bag/blog

Best Bet:  Map it Out  [The Cut]

I Could Listen to This All Night Long — All Nii-ight

Lionel Richie doesn’t get any respect.  What’s up with that? Is it because once upon a time he used to dress

Lionel Richie and the Commodores

like this?

Or maybe it’s because he raised this?

Nicole Richie

Regardless, all this Lionel Richie discrimination is totally unfair, because, as corny as he is, there is no way you can listen to one of his songs without smiling.  I’m sorry, it just can’t be done.  You try singing “you’re once, twice, three-ee tii-iimes a lay-ed-dee” without flashin’ a little smile.

The Lionel Richie is Actually Awesome song collection is way too long and extensive to list here, but here’s my favorite:

You Don’t Have to Live Like A Refugee

Lady GaGa, you’re making money now.  You can afford pants again — isn’t that exciting? I think they’re having a sale at the Gap.  Go on, hurry, I’m sure your camel toe must be freezing.

“]

Wear pants/gonna be okay/no more wedgies babe/just pants/ da-da doo-doo/wear pants

Next time: Katy Perry — I wore a pair of pants, and I liked it!

For Those Days When You Really Want a Boyfriend

The Declaration of Emoticon Independence

Much like Joaquin Phoenix' new schtick as a "rapper," emoticons are pointless and serve no real purpose in life

Earlier I posted that boys shouldn’t use smiley faces. I stand by that post. They shouldn’t.  Seriously, don’t do it.  Girls don’t like it. Technically though, I’ve never really been a fan of anyone using smiley faces.  Admit it, they’re kind of lame. :) :(  :p I mean, what do these things mean really? I get that it’s hard to convey emotion in written correspondance, I really do, but how often do you wink ;) at people? Stick out your tounge :p? Do this :8 (sidenote: Dear Makers of Emoticons, what does that even mean?!)

We’ve probably all fallen into the trap of using emoticons at least once.  I’m guilty myself.  Having a particularly sarcastic sense of humor, sometimes I find myself off-setting a particularly sarcastic comment with a :).  You know how fratty dudes love to throw their hands up and declare, “no homo” after any potentially homoerotic display of emotion has been shown? Well, my emoticons are like that — “no jackass [inset smiley face]” I pretend I’m saying.  But you know what? I am a jackass.  And, I’m kind of a-o.k. with that.  In fact, I think I read in USA Today or The Washington Post — or, okay I made it up, that 93% of the entire Earth’s population are jackasses.  So why are we pretending otherwise?    It’s like when I use a no-jackass-smiley-face a part of me dies inside.  I really even roll my eyes to myself  as my fingers reach for the colon button followed by that right parenthesis sign, because I know I’m being a tool, and now this relationship is all faux-cheery, and you know, I kind of hate you for making me pretend that I’m smiling when I’m not. Jackass.

So no more emoticons from me.  That’s it, I’m through.  I’ve typed my last colon+shift button+0.  I don’t like the kind of correspondence it elicits, nor can I respect myself when I use it.  You can keep using them all you want, that’s your business.  Unless you’re a boy.  Then, as stated before, you can’t use emoticons — no jackass.