I Thought This Was Called “Things Everybody Does”…No?

I don’t understand the remarkableness of the observations found in the following quote:

Video games. Greasy tacos. Wisecracks about scoring government-sanctioned weed. Meeting Mila Kunis gives you a glimpse of what might’ve happened if the Phoebe Cates character in Fast Times at Ridgemont High had somehow spawned a child with Jeff Spicoli.

Because:

a) Up until recently, I was operating under the assumption that all girls were like this.  Apparently they’re not? Go figure.  Well, all the ones I know are…Which leads me to…

b) Why do guys think it’s suuuch a crazy thing when girls act like this? Hello, we’re not all Paris Hiltonwannabes watching the Lifetime Channel, while gorging ourselves on Ben & Jerry’s, scheming to hook ourselves a man.  We don’t all want to date Jon Gosselin just to end up in the pages of US Weekly.  Many of us would never be caught dead watching any movie starring Kate Hudson, or, let’s face it, worse: Sandra Bullock.

So cheers, Mila Kunis.  I salute you for staying nerdy, eating greasy Mexican food, getting high, and dating my childhood crush, Macaulay Culkin.  Stay gold, Ponyboy.

And oh, Details magazine: go fuck yourself.

Mila Kunis is Funny, Fearless, and a Total Babe [Details]

What’s That? Speak Up. I Don’t Read Smoke Signals

An admitted Social Retard, I’ve been thinking about social cues a lot lately.  Like, how we give them off, how they’re interpreted, and what to do when what you’re throwin’ out there isn’t being picked up — or worse yet, when what you’re throwin’ out there is being picked up, but is being misconstrued.

Obviously, social cues are important.  Not just learning how to read them, and give them out, but logistically speaking as well — there just aren’t enough hours in the day to verbally communicate every thought and every idea to every person we encounter, so naturally we need to rely on non-verbal forms of communication.  Okay, understand that.  But sometimes, I wish we relied on social cues a lot less, and verbally communicated with each other more.  It would make life a lot easier for socially handicapped people like myself.

I like to call myself (okay, that’s a lie,  I’ve never called myself this, I’m just making this phrase up right now, but I’m going to start calling myself this from now on) a high functioning socially retarded person.  Outwardly, if you met me, you’d think that I’m just as capable of social interaction as the next guy, but actually, I’m really kind of hella awkward.  That is to say, if you like me, it takes me a really long time to pick up on it; if you don’t like me, it takes me a really long time to pick up on it.  Meanwhile, you might assume that I dislike you, even if I really haven’t made up my mind either way. And, if I do actually like you, you might never pick up on it.

Sound confusing? It is.  And, you know why? Because, like any symbolic form of communication, social cues are rife for misinterpretation.  So, that girl you saw outside the club? The one you smiled at because you saw her slip, and you wanted to let her know hey, these things happen, don’t be embarrassed? Yeah, well she’s acting all suspicious of you, whispering a warning to all her girl friends, because she thinks your smile means you’re trying to figure out what she’d look like without her clothes on.  You’re not meaning to hit on her, but she misread your social cue.  Now you don’t have a chance with any of her friends.  Or, what about that guy you’re crushing on? Remember him? He’s the one who’s phone calls you never answer right away (even though you really, really want to) because you don’t want to seem “too available” (i.e. desperate)? Yeah, well, he’s not calling you anymore because he thinks you never answer your phone when he calls because you don’t like him.  What’s to blame here? Really? Do I have to type it out here, for you? Miss-communicated social signals, duh.

And you know what? Fuck that.  I’m tired of all this social confusion.  Can I make a request here? Can I request that we stop being so lazy, and kind of talk to each other more? I know it’s easier, more comfortable, and less time consuming to let your actions reflect your thoughts, but actually,  it’s really pretty annoying when someone misreads your actions.  Let’s cut down on the suspicion/confusion/anxiousness/false hope here, and just talk to one another.  Mystery dramas are fun for entertainment purposes, but suck in real life.  Like, sure Ghost Writer was a really fun show, but wouldn’t you get sick of having a friend who insists on communicating by throwing random letters and words together in the hopes that you can figure out what  he means? Wouldn’t you be like, fuck you, Ghost Writer, who’s the dbag committing all the annoying pranks on the Lenni music video set?  You know the answer, why can’t you just tell me? Admit it, you would say that.  That’s how I feel about social cues.  And now, I’ll end with a poem:

So, tell me what you want, what you really, really, want/

I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want/*

*Answer: A zig-a-zig-ahhhh

And Sometimes, You’re Jennifer Aniston

Jose: So who you live with? Your family? Your husband? Your boyfriend?

Me: No. I live with a roomate — a friend.

Jose: Ohh, you no have a boyfriend or husband? I always thought you live with them. You no have a boyfriend?

Me: Nope.

Jose: Why you no have a boyfriend?  You beautiful.

[Ed note: so only ugly girls don’t have boyfriends? Gee, thanks…]

Dear World,

Stop asking single girls this question.  It’s rude.  I’ve written this post before, can’t we move on? Why am I still given a sad smile and a sympathetic head nod when I say, “I don’t know…It’s not really my number one priority right now to have a boyfriend.”  I’m not single because I “can’t land myself a man”, or because I’m “trying too hard”, or because I’m too busy sluttin’ it up.  It’s not that I consciously don’t have a boyfriend, but I definitely don’t need one to make me happy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not down on love (I love love!), and I don’t despise the idea of a boyfriend (who doesn’t like spending time with someone they like?), but I do despise the fact that you think that I should just couple up with the next guy who wants to buy me a drink, because that’s what girls “past a certain age” do.

Listen, if you want to be my boyfriend, it’s not hard.  Just be cool, and interesting, and at least act like you like me, and I’ll consider it if I like you.  Because, ahem, I thought that’s how this girlfriend/boyfriend thing works? It’s based on liking someone — not the fear of being alone? Unless I got the wrong Life memo, in which case, please send me the updated version.

In the meantime, I’m gonna go watch some episodes of Lost, because I’m re-watching it from the beginning, and I don’t need to sit around pining after you like a bad Katherine Heigle romcom.  You are though, more than welcome to join.

Signed,

Maybe Jennifer Aniston doesn’t even want a boyfriend

Things That Suck

Waking up and realizing the awesome dream you had isn’t real.  Amazing way to start the day.

Whoever Said ‘Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard,’ Forgot that Sometimes, Not Even Seen…

Here I was, enjoying my evening, popping blisters and watching that Kathy Griffin show (which, an hour later I still don’t understand…) When a commercial for that new Bravo show about NYC prep school students comes on.  I was personally offended.  The concept of the show is utterly outrageous.  Granted, I didn’t go to an NYC prep school, but I’m preeeetty positive Gossip Girl is not based on a true story. It’s not even a “ripped from the headlines,” Law & Order style, representation of anyone’s high school experience.  Sweet Valley High is a more realistic depiction of high school, okay? And I think those books were about identical twin sisters who like, solve crimes in their spare time…

Anyway, despite the fact that they’re calling it a “new reality show!” this new Bravo show is not based in reality at all.  And all the kids are terribly beautiful and fabulously WASPY of course. Of course.  Well, except for one heinously inbred blonde chick, and a kinda fat boy who says pompous things and clearly fancies himself a real live version of Chuck Bass. Hate me all you want for pointing out  the following, but these two kids are what real NYC prep school kids look like: inbred, kinda fat, Jewish, and 45. Make a show about THAT, Bravo.

NYC Prep – Bravo TV Official Site [Bravo]

I Thought We Just Wanna Have Fun?

Jemifer Aniston: Guilty of Ruining It. Refuckinglax, lady.

Co-worker: So, do you have a boyfriend?

Me: Nope.

Co-worker: Uhh…girl…friend?

Me: Nope.  No boyfriend, no girlfriend, and I don’t particularly want one right now.

Co-worker: [pensive] huh.

Why is it, that when a girl gets to be a certain age, she’s suposed to have a boyfriend (or desperately trying to get one) or else people think she’s nuts — or worse yet, deluding herself? I recently had the revelation a few weeks ago, that the majority of my girl friends are in relationships.  What was most startling to anyone who I would share this revelation to, is that I wasn’t even sad about it.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” They would say.

“Why? I don’t even really want a boyfriend.” Then the other person, most likely in a relationship herself, would smile sadly at me, feeling the pity for me that I was clearly too silly to feel for myself.

But, I don’t feel sorry for myself.  I like meeting new people, and not feeling bad about flirting with members of the opposite sex when I go out; I like not feeling obligated to hang out with one particular person just because it’s the weekend, and I-guess-that’s-what-we’re-supposed-to-do; I like not having to call someone everyday to check-in with them — or worse yet, receiving that “just checking in” call.  What I don’t like is the pressure that I feel from everyone else to “settle down” and have a boyfriend.  I’m not even 23 yet for chrissake, why should I have to “settle” for anything other than the seats in the back of the bus so that way old people can sit up front?

Caitlin: And then, we realized that everyone else Nina had invited to her party was in a couple —

Me: Literally, everyone.

Caitlin: Except the two of us, and Melroy, so then we just hung out with him and Al all night — single’s party, if you will.

Roomie Madoff: Oh, wow, really? Were they? I didn’t even notice [rubs her boyfriend proudly on the shoulder]

Me: [Ignoring Roomie Madoff] Oh, God, I just remembered you saying: let’s promise we never get boyfriends or girlfriends — and then we pinky swore.

Caitlin: Oh my God, I did? Wow, how lame were we? We’re retarded.  [Thinks a minute] I miss Single’s Party.  Remember how bummed we were when we found out Al was a fraud, and actually had a girl friend?

Roomie Madoff: [shakes her head sadly, in between the exchange of knowing glances with her boyfriend.  A sense of relief washes over her, as she thinks “thank God I’m not them!“]

Roomie Madoff’s Boyfriend: [smiles right back at her. Oh, those wacky single kids!]

It’s not that I’m opposed to relationships, don’t misinterpret me.  I just kind of think, hey, if it happens it happens, why worry about it? It alarms me that the two national past-times for girls in their 20’s seems to be a). obsessing about food and/or weight and b). obsessing about boyfriends/finding boyfriends.  Because really, aren’t there so many other things in life worth experiencing? Why try to force something that’s bound to happen anyway? It’s not that serious.  Why do you need a serious relationship? Can’t boys be just for fun, too sometimes?  Maybe I’m missing something, but I think the fewer responsibilities in life, the better.  Because someday, you might be married and have kids, and then you’ll be really sorry that you weren’t more carefree when you were younger.  Relax.    Remember Cyndi Lauper said girls just wanna have fun? Well, you’re ruining it.  Calm down.

You Have GOT to be Kidding Me

I don’t care how skinny your legs are.  Jeans or “jeggings”  (that word is just horrendous) that look like they’re painted onto your legs are WRONG.  This is not a fashion statement, it is just straight up offensive.  If you wear these, you’re essentially saying to the world, “Not only do I love being uncomfortable in these ‘pants’ that are so tight I can’t breathe, but I also want you to feel uncomfortable by looking at me.  Oh also, LOOK AT ME!  LOOK AT ME!  GIVE ME ATTENTION!”  Yeah.  I’m not a fan. VETO.

omg Whitney, you're so edgy with your paint on jeans

Boys Shouldn’t Use Smiley Faces

 

Lindsay Lohan receiving yet another smiley face text message from Wilmer Valderama

Boys shouldn’t use emoticons ever.  That means, never ever.  A smiley face :) or any variation thereof is not whimsical or cute.  A sad face :( makes me think you’re retarded. And don’t send me a winky face ;) if you expect to talk to me ever again.  Sorry to be so blunt about it, guys, but it needed to be said.  Boys Using Emoticons(or BUE, pronounced “boo” — as in the noise you make when jeering something) has become rampant, and it needs to be put to an end.  Just type haha like a normal person, okay? Or better, if you’re gonna say something ambiguous, leave it up to me to determine whether or not you’re joking.  If you’re not? Great! I love jerks.  If you are, but I think you’re not? Great! I love jerks.  If you use an emoticon? Joke’s on you: I don’t like boys who use emoticons.

 

Next time: we’ll discuss why boys should never use “hehe” (hint: it’s creepy).

When You Wake Up Feeling Old

I just went to mtv.com, and realized I had no idea what anything on that website meant.  What’s The Duel, and how is there a sequel? We’re still watching American Idol? Who’s Taylor Swift? Jesus, am I THAT old?!

I have GOT to stop dating 30-somethings*.

 

*Okay, one 30-year old, once.

I Officially Hate American Apparel