Life’s Open-Fisted Punch to the Head

This is a pretty good representation of how my life’s going these days:

They Are Not Paying Me Enough for This Crap

Mood:

Dear September,

Ernest Hemmingway

via [Buzz Feed]

I Thought This Was Called “Things Everybody Does”…No?

I don’t understand the remarkableness of the observations found in the following quote:

Video games. Greasy tacos. Wisecracks about scoring government-sanctioned weed. Meeting Mila Kunis gives you a glimpse of what might’ve happened if the Phoebe Cates character in Fast Times at Ridgemont High had somehow spawned a child with Jeff Spicoli.

Because:

a) Up until recently, I was operating under the assumption that all girls were like this.  Apparently they’re not? Go figure.  Well, all the ones I know are…Which leads me to…

b) Why do guys think it’s suuuch a crazy thing when girls act like this? Hello, we’re not all Paris Hiltonwannabes watching the Lifetime Channel, while gorging ourselves on Ben & Jerry’s, scheming to hook ourselves a man.  We don’t all want to date Jon Gosselin just to end up in the pages of US Weekly.  Many of us would never be caught dead watching any movie starring Kate Hudson, or, let’s face it, worse: Sandra Bullock.

So cheers, Mila Kunis.  I salute you for staying nerdy, eating greasy Mexican food, getting high, and dating my childhood crush, Macaulay Culkin.  Stay gold, Ponyboy.

And oh, Details magazine: go fuck yourself.

Mila Kunis is Funny, Fearless, and a Total Babe [Details]

Dear Television Writers of Awful Shows That You Can Watch in Re-runs on the Hallmark Channel

Sometimes, I turn the tv on, and keep it on as background noise while I’m doing other stuff.  It’s a concept similar to listening to background music while you cook/read/blog/whatever.  Anyway, I was doing that now, Touched By an Angel was on, and I stopped to watch what was going on, and okay, I don’t know much about how angels work, but they’re already dead right? Or at the very least, celestial beings who were never alive.  Meaning, they can’t die, and they can’t go through human suffering — right? So then why does Della Reese’s character have Altzheimer’s?  Is that possible? How can an angel get dementia? What the fuck, writers?! This is worse than that episode of Full House where Michelle had amnesia.  That, while stupid, at least made sense — after all, a nine-year-old midget child COULD very well get amnesia after falling off of a horse during a horseback riding competition.  Angels on the other hand, cannot get Altzheimers.  Nice try TBAA writers.  I am happy to see that Marky Post joined the cast in the later seasons of this show.  Homegirl needed (present tense, needs) some work.

Way to Go, My Hometown. You Asshole

Maybe you’ve heard about that Swim Club in Pennsylvania that’s in serious hot water (oh! Look, I made a punny!) over the fact that they’re revoking a summer pass they gave to a local summer camp? The summer camp is made up of mostly black and Latino kids, while the the country club is decidedly, um, not.  From The Huffington Post:

“The Creative Steps camp had arranged for 65 mostly black and Hispanic children to swim each Monday afternoon at the gated Huntingdon Valley club, which is on a leafy hillside in a village straddling two overwhelmingly white townships. But after the group arrived June 29, camp director Alethea Wright said, several children reported hearing racial comments and some swim club members pulled their children out of the pool.”

A few days later, Creative Steps recieved a refund in the mail, revoking their membership, for “safety considerations”.

This story bums me out, because yadda yadda it’s 2009, we have a black president, but also, this is my hometown! I grew up down the street in one of those “overwhelmingly white townships,” and yeah, it’s not a totally diverse place, but this sort of surprises me.  I say “sort of”, because, I actually can kind of remember that this particular country club had a pretty racist and anti-Semitic rep.  It’s just weird to see your big fat stupid, car dependent hometown receive national press for something so awful.

So now, our claims to fame:

Bob Saget (graduated from the local high school — what, what!)

Joey Lawrence (went to my school, saw him at Blockbuster once)

Me (awesome)

Bradley Cooper (went to my rival high school, major babe)

Matthew Fox (well, born there.  Former major babe)

and now this.  Nice. Slow clap, hometown, slo-ow. Clap.

Pennsylvania Swim Club Accused of Racism to Ask Minority Children Back [The Huffington Post]

For Those Days When You Really Want a Boyfriend

Things That Suck

Waking up and realizing the awesome dream you had isn’t real.  Amazing way to start the day.

Whoever Said ‘Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard,’ Forgot that Sometimes, Not Even Seen…

Here I was, enjoying my evening, popping blisters and watching that Kathy Griffin show (which, an hour later I still don’t understand…) When a commercial for that new Bravo show about NYC prep school students comes on.  I was personally offended.  The concept of the show is utterly outrageous.  Granted, I didn’t go to an NYC prep school, but I’m preeeetty positive Gossip Girl is not based on a true story. It’s not even a “ripped from the headlines,” Law & Order style, representation of anyone’s high school experience.  Sweet Valley High is a more realistic depiction of high school, okay? And I think those books were about identical twin sisters who like, solve crimes in their spare time…

Anyway, despite the fact that they’re calling it a “new reality show!” this new Bravo show is not based in reality at all.  And all the kids are terribly beautiful and fabulously WASPY of course. Of course.  Well, except for one heinously inbred blonde chick, and a kinda fat boy who says pompous things and clearly fancies himself a real live version of Chuck Bass. Hate me all you want for pointing out  the following, but these two kids are what real NYC prep school kids look like: inbred, kinda fat, Jewish, and 45. Make a show about THAT, Bravo.

NYC Prep – Bravo TV Official Site [Bravo]

When You Wake Up Feeling Old

I just went to mtv.com, and realized I had no idea what anything on that website meant.  What’s The Duel, and how is there a sequel? We’re still watching American Idol? Who’s Taylor Swift? Jesus, am I THAT old?!

I have GOT to stop dating 30-somethings*.

 

*Okay, one 30-year old, once.