Based on a True Email

Subject: It’s Twenty Ten Now!

In case you were wondering, I had a great time in New York.  I got to hang out with Fich (!) and see a bunch of friends who I hadn’t seen in a year.  It seriously made me question why I live so far away from them.  Added to this, was Mel and my’s Reunited and it Feels So Good Rockin’ New Year’s Eve…

Before heading out to a house party being thrown by Sara’s sister and her friend, we all drank at Mel’s pad (where we listened to a lot of Lady Gaga, and learned about Beth’s band, Straight Boys Kissing — or, SBK)

Multiple fake eyelash attempts, one side braid, and two cabs later, we arrived at the party in Chelsea. That’s when I saw Jeff for the first time in a year, and I almost peed my pants.

“Jeff! I’m so excited to see you, I might throw up!” I yelled over the roaring music.

“Here, let me make you a drink!” Jeff responded.

“What is it?”

“Vodka and champagne.” Said, as though this were a legitimate drink.

“Okay!”

So, Jeff made made vodpagnes for everyone, yet Jeff and I were the only ones who drank them. Then Ryan bee-lined towards Jeff to introduce himself, and the two were inseparable for the rest of the night.

I went to go find Mel, who had apparently gone to the bathroom, and I struck up a conversation with a giant who had been eyeing me ever since we walked in the door.  His name was Brett, he was apparently from West Chester, and I decided to put him on my list of possible make out candidates.

Shortly after that, Pam arrived.  I pushed past everyone in the kitchen (no, literally, I pushed everyone out of my way) and made Pam a drink.  We wandered around the party for a bit. And thennnn shit went down…at one point, I remember turning to Pam and being like, “everyone here is COMPLETELY shitfaced.”  It was true, it was like a college frat party, only with 20-something New York City professionals instead of frat boys;  a sa-weet apartment in Chelsea instead of a grungy old basement; and we were all wearing expensive clothes, instead of jeans and tank tops and backwards hats.

I then told Pam, “listen, I’m not gonna lie to you. I’m pretty determined to make out with that guy over there, so I’m going to find you a guy, because I don’t want to be rude and leave you.” so then we found Pam a guy, and I went over to go “resume my conversation” with Brett from West Chester, who was shy about making out with someone in public, so I responded, “not a problem!” And we went outside of the apartment and made out in the hallway for like 20 minutes. Then Mel popped her head outside, and I used that as my cue to leave Brett.

“Ohhh, we’re leaving. Later.” and I tottered back inside the apartment to find Mel, and then, instead of leaving, we stayed inside at the party for another 15 min.

FINALLY, after watching all the drunk people run around, Mel was like, “okay, we’re going now.” so I tottered outside, because my feet were killing me by this point. But then, Mel ran back inside the apartment. My feet couldn’t take anymore tottering, so I stayed put, slumping myself against the wall while Mel got her shit together. She returned with a bunch of boys, who were apparently the friends of some guy she had made out with, and they were all going to hang out with us, if only Mel could find that guy she made out with. So, while Mel rushed back inside the apartment, I made forgettable small talk with the forgettable friends, not even really trying all that hard to appear interesting or entertaining.
“Well, we’re waiting for Silvie.” One of the boys said.
“Who’s Silvie?” I asked, picturing a tiny, fashionable Asian girl.
“Oh, you know Silvie.” One of the boys, I think it was the short tubby one, said.
“Uh, no. No I don’t. I don’t know anyone named Silvie.” I responded, because I did not know anyone named Silvie.

Finally, Mel came out of the apartment with her make out buddy in tow. annnd also Brett, the boy from West Chester who I had made out with.
“This is Silvie” one of the forgettable friends said.
“My lastname’s Silver.” Brett clarified, as though I cared. Which I did kind of. It was a relief to know he wasn’t named after a tiny, fashionably dressed Asian girl.

Soooo long story short, there was some wondering about where we were going, before Mel’s makeout buddy decided he and his boys were going to go back downtown (me and Mel had to go uptown) Silvie/Brett grabbed me for a last kiss, I grabbed Mel beceause my feet were killing me, and then the two of us grabbed a cab.

Nearing Mel’s building, we realized there was not enough cash to pay the fare, so I offered to go to the Duane Reade across the street that was open 24/7. Except when I tried the door, it was clearly locked. Sooo I ran across the street to the other 24/7 Duane Reade. Also locked. At this point, I was freezing, it was sleeting out, I was tired, drunk, feet probably bleeding in my pumps, and in my head I was singing Bad Romance by Lady Gaga to keep from crying.  Luckily, I found an HSBC vestibule.

Exiting the ATM vestibule, money (literally) in my hand, a guy selling bratts or something on the street asked if I wanted any.
“That does smell good, but I need my money for a cab” I responded.
“Well you can have some for free.”
“What’s the catch?” I had seen enough episodes of Law & Order to know not to accept free bratts on the street from strangers.
“One kiss?”
I laughed. “Nice try. Happy new year.”
The street vendor shrugged as I limped down the street.

I called Mel on the phone because I had no idea where the cab was, but then I simultaneously heard her voice through the phone, and on the street. Then, squinting through the sleet, I saw her standing on the street.
“Where’s the cab?”
“I got out to find you, then just kept walking. So, um, run!”
“You just got out? Without paying?”
“Run.”
“You live across the street from a police station!”
“Run.”
So we did.
And that’s how I woke up the next morning, splayed across Mel’s couch, wearing the clothes I had gone out in, Mel passed out next to me, surrounded by carrots, celery, and dip. So we had arrived in the new decade.  But not without being smacked around by the old one, first.