So You Didn’t Go to Homecoming

Last weekend was every college graduate’s favorite holiday: Homecoming; an excuse to drink profusely during the day, tailgate a football game you have no intention of going to, and make out with that kid who was in your sophomore year Post-Modernism class — but who’s name escapes you right now.

Being 3,000 miles away, I couldn’t go this year.  So, instead, I decided to get moderately drunk and send drunken text messages to those who were attending Homecoming.  This would have been more appropriate if there wasn’t a three-hour time difference, meaning my texts were received between the hours of 3am and 5am.  Whatever. 

Below, you’ll find why I am campaigning for a BAC test before you can send people text messages.  There’s not an app for that.

To: Nikki

1:40am PST Sun, Oct. 11

Enough drunk for all of tuft homecoming.  Have you seen [REDACTED]? Do him for me. Go kendra!

Then, I  went to a tacqueria across the street from some strip clubs, and ate a taco as big as my head.  It was my version of Man v. Food.  I’m happy to report, I won.  Go Jumbos!