Based on a Real Email

To: Melsanie

From: thedith

Subject: in addition to commenting on all your facebook action…

To answer your question, I am decidedly NOT eating french fries and punching tourists, although I wish I were. It’s almost 4pm and I have not left my apartment.  I am too tired to function. It’s maybe a hang over? I don’t know.Like, instead of being in severe pain and a little nauseated, I’m in severe tired and a little nauseated. Blargh. Day = shot to hell.

My night last night was uneventful. Good ex-Roomate’s Santa Barbara Hottie Friends were actually really nice. Instead of being sloppy drunk, blonde amazon women, they were normal, pretty brunette girls. I dug that. One of them did take off her tube top in the bar to switch shirts with a guy wearing a Giant’s shirt though. Yeppp that definitely happened. But they were fun and nice. I like them.  Roomie Madoff came out with us too. She had had more than .5 of a beer so she was shwasted. Long skinny arms flailing all over the place, hair frizzy and matted on her head…at one point at the bar, we were standing near the door, so people kept walking through us and it was annoying, so Roomie Madoff and I tried to get everyone to move towards the back of the bar. Madoff started walking first. then, Caitlin came back from getting drinks. “No, I don’t want to go over there, it’s too loud.” she shook her head.  Meanwhile, Long John Swindler had disappeared off into the crowd. We kind of just stood there laughing about it for awhile. Then, I somehow grew a fucking heart,  felt bad, and went to retrieve her.  She was standing by herself in a corner (literally by herself. For some reason there was like a 7 foot radius between her and the nearest people, despite the fact that the bar was hella crowded…) boppin along to the live ska music.

“Oh, no one’s coming? I thought I’d just wait for you guys here.” Her bleary, drunk glazed eyes looked confused. I shook my head, half-pityingly, and led her back to our group. And then, it happened again!

We were ready to leave, and standing outside. the UCSB girls were taking pictures, someone was probably smoking, Caitlin was talking about her “dead man’s toes”, and we were about to start walking down the street, when someone was like, “Oh wait, we’re missing one…” (it was at this point that I got your “naxchos” text message, by the way…).

Anyway, declaring McSwindler dead, we were just about to leave without her, when there, in the distance, I saw a lanky, messy drunk girl (estimated drinks count: 1.5) standing on a corner behind us, slurring into her cell phone. We told her we were going, and she made an effort to follow us, then, somehow, inexplicably got lost on the 2 block walk to the next bar — even though she lives up the street! No one cared, and she wouldn’t make another woozy, long limbed appearence for another 20 minutes…goooooood times.

At the bar, I found myself lazily talking to these two randos involved in a heavy bromance with each other.”Oh my God, I think Jesus has entered the building.” Caitlin whispered to me.  I don’t know, they kind of reminded me of Jay and Silent Bob, personally.  Then, two of New Roomate’s guy friends came, and I introduced them to Jesus and Friend, knowing full well they must be assuming that one of these newcomers must be my boyfriend.  Wanting to escape Jesus and Friend, I let them assume that.

I became bros with one of New Roomate’s friends, who began trying to flirt with Roomie Madoff, who was really feelin’ it for some reason. I had to tell him that she has a boyfriend.  Feeling cheated, my new bro wanted me to introduce him to the UCSB hotties, which I did. And, he was successful in dancing with one for a bit, but then she shouldered him out for some townies crowding by the door, and then that’s when she took her shirt off. Don’t worry, she was wearing a bra. She put on his Giants shirt, he her tube top. Just your standard shirt switch. Totally legit. I like that girl. Random times…

Today, I was going to go to the Giants game with Caitlin and the UCSB Hotties, but then this morning happened, and I didn’t go. Instead, I stayed in and watched NYC Prep (I feel stoopider now), and Harry Potter (which is weird, I don’t even like those movies). Maybe I’ll get french fries soon.